Can we leave this here rather than derailing on it? A decade? Yup. He had experienced previous panic attacks on flights, hated the "cattle type" travel experience, and at 6'2+ was uncomfortable in the tiny airplane seats. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. This is stuff you gotta ask yourself. Wouldnt that bother you?. The following photos show exactly what can go wrong when you try to take a family photo. My husband has cheerfully seen me off to conferences in Vegas, Austin, Reno, San Diego, Milwaukee, and other cities. I dated a guy like that! Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . Business trips (and business trips to Las Vegas even) are such a normal part of work life that is is totally bizarre to expect you not to go simply because of the destination. My husband has some mental health issues (and some life experiences) that make him prone to excessive worry when I travel for work, and in my last job, I traveled A LOT. He was there for a conference, and she was there for a bachelorette party. I bought a single-serve bottle of wine in the hotel convenience store and enjoyed it in my room. Even the others theyre married to. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. When all youre seeing is airports, shuttle buses, the hotel, and a conference room, everything kind of looks the same. If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. Never! Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. The kind of overwhelming, intrusive anxiety postulated here is still a control issue, 100%. My point was, shes hearing about friends opinions second-hand. How does he handle that? I LOVE it when my wife travels. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. Is he jealous he cant go with you? It took getting out (and lots of tears, letting some of the love-roots pull out from my heart with time and distance, and lots of therapy) to realize that he really was some of those things and others he wasnt, but it was irrelevant because he was still hurting me. Hahahaha! Anywhere in the USA or abroad. If all he has to go off of are the stereotypes in movies and advertising then I can definitely see how it would be easy for him to be a combination of jealous and insecure. But they definitely need marriage counseling. I dont know if this is a sexist response from jealousy? I was just sure my wife and son were either missing or dead. Just to give you an idea, my husband, my 10 week old, and I went to New Jersey this past weekend to see some of my husband's family. You won't have to look over, sideways, and under to find out when new Magic Key sales will be open again. That sounds like you, AP but the LWs husband sounds like the former. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. I read it as him being anxious and unreasonable. I took a look at the menu for Gordon Ramsays burger place and almost stroked out. What Anonymous Poster is describing is a learned skill that a therapist can teach mot people. Yeah. When one person in the relationship suggests separate vacations, one of three things happens. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. And insanely good airline availability and inexpensive flights. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. I say this because I have a hard time believing that someone who had actually been to Vegas would hold these opinions about it honestly its not my favorite place because I find it too crazy and overstimulating, but I have never felt I was in any kind of danger. Its hot and windy and dry and sand gets every where. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. I understand where youre coming from, but this board sees people from all over the world, and there are still lots of places and lots of religious/cultural environments where patriarchal/masculine control/policing of womens behavior/assuming the worst of women is absolutely the norm, and there are enough of them scattered around everywhere that I dont think its a case of not everyone can have sandwiches.. It does sound like some type of anxiety as these worries are extreme. You need a pro to help you guys sort out this tangle and see where to go from here in a way that doesnt actively sabotage your career because of his irrational behavior. You dont ever want to put yourself in a position of relaying solely on his for financial support because you then lose the ability to leave if you need to. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. Thanks! Food! I agree. If you on a long car ride or your baby simply just doesn't like a car seat you obviously aren't going to stop every 5 or 10 min to take baby out and soothe him so you do it in the car as long as someone else is driving. It is okay for you to make normal daily choices even if your husband feels anxious about them. Maybe he's had a long day at work and just wants to relax at home, or maybe he's not feeling well. The businesspeople in Las Vegas want to make money. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. CES, the Consumer Electronics Show is held there yearly, and is a massive tech conference, millions of square feet of conference space. It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. You can always spend less at a Days Inn or Holiday Inn or similar 3-star facility. The weather sucks in Vegas. When an argument starts stop trying to persuade him or defend yourself. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. It was BAD. apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner I suspect this has less to to with irrational fears of the big, bad world, and more to do with an outdated, sexist view of the man being in charge of his woman. Illogical or inappropriate behaviors like this are not always a sign of mental illness and mental illness is not an excuse to be controlling or abusive, EVER. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. An ex of mine and I were trying to be friends; he told me about a date he went on and I gave him my opinion (that he treated this woman like crap) and he was basically all, Nuh-unh! *offers you an internet hug*. I dont understand giving up agency as an adult just because I got married. Agree that you should go to counseling by yourself if he wont go. Or they have jobs that dont require business travel. Businesses plan conferences in Las Vegas because the rooms are dirt cheap, not because theyre planning some sort of raucous party. I did a few Vegas-y things, but mostly I found really interesting things to do while not working. In fact, Ive been on more trips without my partner than I have with him! Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Wilberforce agrees with meeee!. Sometimes walking away is the only thing you can do. Dont answer the phone? If the problem isnt the one everyone jumps on, that means the LW get a lot of useless advice on a problem they dont have. Yeah, I saw that. I read letters like this, and I realize how fortunate both my husband and I are, because its got to be miserable to live with this level of mistrust and anxiety. Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. It seems like almost everyone is misreading this update. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. And the entertainment options are essentially endless. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Yeah, support common technique, but we dont know what we dont know, till we know it. Is it indulging in a pleasurable vice? Ive been in enough therapy to know thats my brain lying to me, and my spouse and I work together to come up with coping strategies to help ward off these thoughts, but they are always there in the back of my mind. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. And basic woman code of policing your drink would negate that fear. Their convention centers are clean, there are plenty of facilities for customer parties, etc. If I wanted to put on pants and walk across the casino I would just eat at a casino floor restaurant instead of ordering deliverywhich Im sure explains their policy more than security concerns! Im in business, so of course I know that a lot of conferences and normal things to do there, but its a little disingenuous to claim that a location that intentionally markets itself as Sin City doesnt at least have a rep for vice. On which I shared my personal experience and directed to resources where these be explored further. It is in some Nevada counties, but not Clark County (which includes Vegas.) Its tough but definitely not impossible. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. (except those gun dangers present everywhere in the US.). And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. Good points. Marriage counseling and perhaps some counseling for him personally. So, considering that this issue really could be either one, I suppose its no wonder were seeing a lot of both here and it feels like they arecompeting? OPs partners behavior is affecting her directly. I build these horrific scenarios in my mind about what supposedly happened. If you want to take PTO and extend your trip, please let me know and we can schedule your flights accordingly., Hehe even though were in DC, Xcorp still expects our employees to behave better than the politicians. My jaw literally dropped. It really seems like your husband doesnt trust you, and as AAM said, that is a relationship problem. Its simple to plan a conference because food, rooms, space are all within one building. Its not like people are forced at gunpoint to have sex with a rando when they deplane at McCarran. I really hope he is able to get help and you are both able to get to a better way of engaging with each other on this. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Not a geographic nexus of evil thats so perfect. He cant expect his partner to sacrifice herself to the whims of his anxiety. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. Hmm. I would say most of his issues stem from his childhood trauma and some possible but undiagnosed Aspergers (he has closely observed human behavior to figure out whats expected, is a brilliant programmer, works on empathy). A person who wants to cheat will cheat even if the business trip is in Dayton, OH, or they will cheat even in their hometown. I have a friend who doesnt drink, gamble, or smoke and Vegas is one of her favorite vacation places. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. Those were a big hit. Last I time I checked 2017 hadnt fully turned into The Handmaids Tale and women were allowed to travel for work without permission from their husband. Iam lost. Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! She worries about me being out alone after dark and it gets dark at 4:30 p.m. in the winter here. We partially worked around it by him pack me an automotive emergency kit since rental cars tend to lack flares, reflectors, etc. I dont think its all that misogynistic cheating isnt the only thing hes worried about. Since its also a town that does very well at marketing itself as a destination for conferences (their facilities and amenities are really good, and I imagine their pricing is great because of demand is high enough to keep them low) then it makes sense that your work is choosing it as a place to send the managers since it sounds like an out of town conference is generally a thing they need to do. I love it when my husband goes camping with the guys. Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. Having a neutral third party is really useful. (Also worth mentioning: The ways weve developed the concept of masculinity in the US mean that many guys express anxious feelings as anger, so look out for that too.) Yet he says he would not even go without me. People in my family are prone to anxiety disorders manifesting themselves in this way (including me, yay! Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. My grandmother pays for the trip. I knew a woman who was very sincerely pious and churchgoing and lived her Christian values. He just says everybody so that it will give weight to his selfish wants. He was already in counselling and they focused on this issue for a while. My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. rarely cede ground. Scheduled calls are a great idea. Marriage counseling implies that she has some part to play in this; individual therapy for him would help him manage his expectations of realistic safe behavior in a marriage and at work. Either he socializes with very retrograde people, or hes snowing you when he tells you that hes enjoying full-throated unquestioning support of his attempt to stifle your career. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. Another is that hes questioning the companys motives. And I asked to go but thats out of the question. Japan is absurdly safe, even if that is no comfort to people when something bad does happen. Im rooting for you! Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. Should I never go anywhere? Or hes over-reporting the level of agreement he got? If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. Im a bit flabbergasted. People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance. I can tell you thisd be a divorce-level issue if I did it with my wife. Im also a Chicagoan with an irrational former fiance. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. No, its not, but again Im not just speaking out of my ass here; I have seen similar anxiety issues firsthand. There were plenty of women there without their husbands. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. Who knows what they actually said, if he asked at all. Yup, wholeheartedly agree. Like, do you think he really did take an opinion poll? I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. after that. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. I also have a lot of real/not real conversations in my own head. This happens to me at the worst times, like when Im walking home in the evening or when Im doing chores alone around the house I get this feeling like im starting in the opening sequence of whatever creepy procedural I was watching. (Of course, I live in New Orleans, where we do not need to seek out extra liveliness.) Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. But don't worry, Daisy. I go on a vacation with my sisters, or go to my cousins house in PA. We enjoy the time apart. OPs husband sounds like my mom. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. Food! Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! The next obvious thing is, we all get to be as irrational as we want. Your level of trust in him. Thoughts? We did a family vacation to Vegas about six years ago (were about a 4-5 hour drive away). I dont even like Vegas and end up there twice a year because its such a common conference location because of the affordability. I highly doubt these people genuinely agree with him, but are more likely playing the supportive friend role. That said, Id say go on the trip, because I dont think you should pander to his lack of trust in you. Im not so sure its abuse, to be honest. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. Absolutely. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. He is obviously in distress, and rational or not, that is a bigger problem than just whether OP should go on her business trip. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. My husband has been for business conferences. Being in Vegas to me would be about eating at fancy restaurants, doing the neon lights tour, etc. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. It is NOT his choice whether you go! I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. I also suggest that he seeks out personal therapy. I do know that the way he is handling his concerns is controlling, right down to gaslighting you by saying everyone agrees with him. I hope this topic can also help someone else facing simalry issues. Unlike other cities where the hotels and expo centers are spread apart dotted in among the rest of the city, the downtown area was basically built for tourists/travelers. I had no problem with it. Except he took a poll of his mom. he needs to straighten hisstuffout. It means the relationship ran its course and isnt bringing the two of you what you need any more, and thats sad, but its also not unusual. OPs husbands response is way out of line for a normal response. The only time my husband would object to a business trip of this kind is if I had to fund it myself or if it was a conflict to another event on our calendar (wedding or family vacation). Just the past 2 weeks Ive taken a 3-day hiking trip, completely alone, and also a trail running workshop weekend with a group of other runners. Super reasonable! But truly, its a secondary concern here. A Group Owner is a member that has initiated the creation of a group to connect with other members to share their journey through the same pregnancy & baby stages. I hope youll get the chance to play some poker while youre there. [He loves playing poker but seldom gets to play, as Im not a fan of the game.]. I think whatever LV *was* once, its not anymore. You bet a quarter, watch and yell at the fake horses running around in a circle, bet another quarter, repeat. You just reminded me that a lot of Mormon fundamentalist families live in the suburbs of Vegas because people dont bother polygamist families out there like they do in Utah. Excuse me? I agree hes not acting reasonably; but answers like therapy are a long-term solutions to an immediate problem. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. This seems to be a common pattern, though of course not a certainty. If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. And thats all the sin city branding is too an advertising campaign to better separate certain demographics of travellers from their money, just like Disneys happiest place on earth branding is an advertising campaign to better separate a different demographic of travellers from their money. So much wow. Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? I dont gamble much. But its a pretty serious one-off. So give yourself permission to stop trying, OP. If I went home today and told my husband, My work is sending me on a business trip to Las Vegas in 3 months, this would be his response: Wow, honey, thats great! He wasnt healthy for me. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. And hiking! Who thinks its normal to ask around if he should let his wife go on a business trip, etc. It often goes along with a dose of jealousy, as most often, this is about a nice vacation Im going to take or some fun activity. By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. Thats exactly what Im doing right now too and it will be so much better when I dont have to justify the work trip to my husband and I dont have to pander to his unfounded insecurities. We felt safe walking around at 2AM. Yes, we fly in on Monday and are out by Friday. The things she comes up with are completely fictional, not based in any kind of reality at all. Actually, prostitution is NOT legal in Las Vegas and gambling is legal in a Million places in the United States. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . She then decided to keep the baby's gender a secret until it was born. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. So your husband just told you he wants to go away for Labor Day. People cheat in the tiniest of towns. Adifficult orstressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Kidnappings, someone spiking your drink, etc. Why doesnt he trust you? Yeah Im kind of surprised people are acting like theyve never heard anything bad about Vegas. But I just wanted to let you know that there are at least two people in the world who definitively do not agree with your husband. Flights and hotels are cheap, because of the focus on tourists everything is really convenient for travelers, the food is good, there are great conference facilities. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). I think you know that all of his fears could happen to you (or be things youd do) wherever you live or any place you travel to. According to my in-laws, any apartment within walking distance of a Mexican restaurant had to be in a horrible and crime-infested part of town. Then everyone is sober. Also accusing someone of cheating so you have to surveil them is right out of the abuser handbook. Its like some people dont realize that it takes two people to have a relationship. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. She is doing the heavy lifting in supporting the family and yet he wants to control and damage her control. I dont gamble but I love New Orleans it feels like an adults only carnival. But we had conversations where we discussed what I was doing to stay safe, and we had agreed upon methods of checking in (calling / texting at certain reasonable times, for example). If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. My husband was very upset. its really funny, because Vegas has lately been billed as a great place to go for a family vacation! Needless to say, I did not find this a compelling argument for reconciling. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Honestly, I just wasnt used to having someone worry about me. For anyone who has traveled for business, it is a dream destination because it is convenient. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. After the last Vegas conference 4 years ago, where more people got fired for misconduct than should have, my company has put a stop to holding regional or national conferences there. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. You know you can go to Vegas and have fun and not be kidnapped or drugged. Of course, they can be bothbut then IMHO, that boils down to controlling anyway. Its not some ridiculous naked sex drug party.. Mmm.. As a side note to all of this, I watched the original CSI religiously for about 8 years, and had never been to Vegas (no easy opportunity and not really my thing). That is not rational and that is not how business or marriages work. I played the slots for all of 5 minutes and that was it. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. This is so far outside of normal that if I were in your shoes OP, I would be socking money away so that I could leave him, unless theres something youre not telling us that could possibly justify how he treats you. A week? It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. My husband still asks sometimes if hes allowed to go do things, like go to the pub with his friends without me, and it irks me because even though I know hes joking I dont like that he even pretends that I am a stereotypical ball and chain. This is NOT putting a judgement on those activities, but all of them can and do carry a pretty significant risk load (money spent, possible diseases, lost time, etc) and thats why in general, society rates them as vices. Is that an issue as well? I dont worry about it because why would i? You say youre the breadwinner. Just because some of the people in that culture are ok with it doesnt mean its magically not controlling behavior because its culture/religion. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued.

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